Yesterday one of my co-workers brought his infant son to the office. He was so cute but it re-opened all of those old wounds and longings for things that almost were. It still makes me ache when I think about that baby that I�lost, especially when it is uncertain whether or not I can even have another one. I�miss that dream that was lost in the divorce, the happy family, my own house, building a life with someone. I still ache for that. I�still dream of his face, sometimes they are nightmares but usually it is just reliving the hurt over and over again like a broken record in my subconscious. With everything that is going on in the world right now, those fears are amplified. I�donapos;t know what is going to happen to me tomorrow let alone 5, 10 years down the line. I�had vowed to myself after finding out that he never really loved me anyways that I was going to never think about or contact him again, but it seems unavoidable. I donapos;t even have any feelings towards the man anymore only the idea. It is like my cigarette issue I�can stop anytime, but then some weeks or months down the road I�pick them up again, then stop, on and on the same cycle. It is so idiotic. I�really hope that an economic equilibrium is restored. I am afraid for my job, copy writing is hardly a vital industry, and my newness in the position makes me feel particularly vulnerable. If I lost my job thereapos;s no way I�could pay my student loans. Really Iapos;m scared of losing my independence and being forced to rely on certain people whose resources are already stretched thin.
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